Can i not drive my cunt home
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
