Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
