The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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