Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
A bitchslap is in order.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
