I don't usually arrange sex via text message
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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