omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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