it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
