I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
So much rum. So many feels.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
