I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
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