i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he was CRYING into my vagina
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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