my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
