Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
