Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
birth control should be required to get into college
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
