i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
