I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
