i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
