On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
