I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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