some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
