It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
