And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's official drugs can't kill me
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
