I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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