Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
