dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
