I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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