Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
