shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
