my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
