i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
