WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
