I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
