he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
