you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Be still, my beating vagina.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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