i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
