i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
