i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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