saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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