I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
