someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
