WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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