Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
