So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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