She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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