seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
