Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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