i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Randomize
