Your mouth is God's brothel.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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