I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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