So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
