he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
