i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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