So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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