I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
