Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Pooping to opera.
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