We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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