dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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